thankfully it doesn't last...

One thing I should mention... when I recount the events of a particularly bad saving lives day, it kind of purges them from my brain. Not that I forget about them totally, because there's always those patients and events that can be remembered years later for one reason or another, but they don't stay in my head very long.

I don't have bad dreams about it, and I don't get depressed for days after - nothing like that. I do talk about them to my family when I get home (since it's so fresh in my head), and sometimes share them with you guys, but then they're over. They have to be. I think that's the nature of working in the health care world. The mind-set that goes along with what we do. It has to be that way or we couldn't possibly do it for very long - our brains would explode with sorrow. And when you hear about "burn out" - at least in this field, I think those people couldn't get rid of the memories.

At least that's how it is for me. And it's just so wonderful and fortunate that I'm able to do what I do with the rest of my days. Know what I mean?

in the blink of an eye

I had just thrown the towel down on the floor to cover up the blood splatters when I heard her. "What is this? What's happening?" I looked up and saw a woman who looked very confused, standing on the other side of the bed. The bed where a patient lied motionless. Where not more than 2 minutes ago was surrounded by a sea of frenzied doctors and nurses and myself, pumping oxygen, atropine, epinephrine, blood, fluids, and anything else to get his 22 year old heart beating again and his blood pressure above zero.

She was followed by 4 other people, all screaming and crying.
"This isn't happening"
"Bobby, we're here. Bobby wake up!"
"O my god this isn't real. Why didn't you let us see him before he died - what's wrong with you people"

I had a difficult time concentrating on getting the cords wrapped around the back of the ventilator... just wanted to get out of there. I could come back and get the vent later.

As I quietly slipped through the curtain, I noticed that someone had closed the main door to that side of the ICU, so the screaming and wailing wouldn't disturb the rest of the unit. More people with shocked faces were approaching. More crying. I couldn't see... 22 years old and dead in less than 12 hrs after running his crotch rocket into the back of a trailer. So much blood.

I just keep seeing her face. The mom's face. Genuinely confused as she looked at her son, then up at us. "What is this? What's happening?" and I can't get it out of my head.

bah

I wrote a fascinating and scintillating entry earlier, and blogger ate it! dagnabbit. You missed me talking about my wunnerful, spankin new teeth as well as my candle and coffee purchases... oh well. Don't feel like saying it all over again.

'tis a saving lives Friday tomorrow - y'all have a good one.
xoxo

salivating

mmm... I just did a quickie check over at Yankee Candles to see if they have any new scents out, and they do! Only thing, when they're trying out new flavors, they don't always make the tarts (which is all that I use), so that's kind of a bummer.

I'll be out that way when I go for my new bridge in a little bit, so it's time to restock my tart supply. In fact, I'd better get going... later.
(I'll let you know if they have any of the gnu scents!)

food, smoking, and work

Lawdy lawdy... all of a sudden I have too much to do. Not too terribly overwhelming 'cos it's all good stuff for the most part, but it just sort of happened, ya know?

I even made a decent meal tonite believe it or not. Seems as though I'm getting worse and worse when it comes to cooking. For myself, I don't seem to be eating much besides yogurt and beef jerky... and more yogurt and more beef jerky. And popsicles, although even that's tapered off. If anything, I'll have a couple just to do something other than smoke cigarettes. geesh.

I'm watching (again) "Obesity in America" on Discovery Health, and I am reminded how grateful and blessed I am to have had my surgery. I try to remember sometimes how uncomfortable I was, and all of the things that have changed because of getting healthy again, and it really is a miracle. Well, miracle of modern medicine that is, as well as having the fortitude to continue the process - to eat the right things and to exercise, keeping up my end of the deal, ya know? mm-mm-mm... thank you thank you.

Anyway. Feeling damn good. And now I need to keep on workin. funfunfun.
:)

illustrator

yo, say hello to Raoul!

image-re

Jeffrey was talking about one of my fav font foundries the other day, and he mentioned how one can really appreciate how a font looks when you see it displayed in print.

A real work of art is one of their recent catalogs that displays their font collection in a sort of menu-like format (you can still get one!). I never tire of looking at that baby - it's gorgeous. Of course I just had to shop a bit today... always find an excuse to do so whenever I begin a new client site ya know. Unfortunately, I don't frequently get the opportunity to create printed items (actually, it's fortunate 'cos I don't really like doing print work for clients) so I don't get to experience the fonts at their best... but that's ok, I still love to possess and admire them.

While I was shopping, I picked up one of their poster sets (the "Eye Sling Shot Lions" one). Fun! Wouldn't they look cool in a bathroom? (wait, let me write that down on my "things to redecorate" list)... whatever, wherever, I'll find a place for them.

Anyhoo, going to do one more thing on that new illustrator site, but I don't think we're going live until tomorrow. There's also a movie starting that looks like it may be a good one... we shall see.

Sleep tight, and I'll c'yall later.

about damn time

oooo, I like John Edwards. I wish HE was running for president. Now I think Bush will get a run for his money, 'cos I do NOT like Kerry. This should be v-e-d-d-y interesting.
< / end of my limited political commentary >

damn lab

Got up early to go to the dentist - my long awaited bridge was supposed to be ready. But it wasn't. dangit. I am so self-conscious about my missing tooth, and even tho people say you can't even tell, *I* know it's there (or not). Luckily, I'm going back Thursday and it will for sure be there.

I've been a very productive worker bee these last couple of days. I should have a couple of new sites to introduce to you shortly - yippee.

Until later - have a good Tuesday.

linkolas

Whilst you partake in your a.m. ritual, I invite you to stroll around a few interesting places that I found last nite. I was wandering around all nite - some were vaguely familiar, but there were a handful of stock photography sites that I had never seen before... and one place led to another. You know how that goes.

- DDB Canada - love the little yellow & blue guys running around the place
- Digiquaria - aquatic life-ish
- longneck - I'm attracted to the line drawings...
- Minimosca - like the layout with this one (and the fly)
- Fubbs - I remember playing around with this one before... have you?
- SnowShow - a clown of sorts
- Custom Cards - free e-cards that you make yourself!

Anyway... if you're in the mood...

Dolly woke me up this morning, woofing right in front of my face. WOOF! I GOTTA PEE! dagnabbit. I'm sure hubby had just walked out the door too, and got her thinkin' about it. But, since I did too, it wasn't too difficult getting up right away. And I'm pretty awake actually, even if it was only 3 hrs since I went to bed to begin with.

Sooo, might as well take advantage of my extra morning time, right?
later.

psych 101

You know, there's an old saying in the psychward world, to put some clothes on and act "as if." Easy to say, but difficult to do... at least if you're in that frame of mind to begin with. Frame of mind being one where you don't feel like doing a damn thing and it's easier to just be a slug. BUT, since one still has some titch of rationality, it's very frustrating to stay in that frame of mind when you know that you should be doing some damn thing, 'cos the clock is ticking...

Anyway. It works. I just got dressed and am waiting for hubby to come home - shouldn't have let him take my car to the gym. He walks on the treadmill for 2 freakin' hours - bless his heart - but I wanna go now. Got a hot date with the mumster to go to the grocery store - woo! But I am seeing the light now that I have denim on, as opposed to grungy cotton. Heck, I may still get something done today after all.

trailers for sale or rent...

Why do I have Roger... Roger whatsisname "Kind of the Road" in my head? (what is his name?) ah, Miller. Roger Miller. (hel-LO, internet?!)

Just sitting here cross-legged in my chair, smoking a ciggie and drinking my coffee. Staring at the monitor and watching the room get progressively darker. what the hell. We don't need no more steenkin' rain damnit. I need sunshine and cheerfulness to wake me up duude.

poopie.